My job was the most toxic relationship I had

My job welches the most toxic relationship I hadMy job welches the most toxic relationship I hadYoure not being treated right, girlfriends would say. You should just leave. The situation was getting unbearable. I was being ignored, mistreated, and was unappreciated. I wanted to leave, but couldnt get out. How would I support myself? If I stayed, I wondered if Id eventually be replaced with someone younger. I felt stuck - I needed the financial support yet was worried what it was doing to my normally very solid self-esteem.From the time I was young, I often heard things like marry rich or marry a doctor, from outsiders who deemed this little girl worthy of those prizes. My motherbei always chimed in, No, shes going to have her own career, she wont need anyone elses money. Shell make her own way. Coming from a generation of women whose only choice was to get married to a guy from the neighborhood and have kids, she emphasized college and career to enkoranvers my freedom, self-worth, a nd happiness. Just find a man who loves you and treats you well. I dont care if its the garbage man.Feeling ignoredWhen I first got involved, I had that nagging feeling I had made the wrong choice. Hearing You have such a pretty smile was lovely, but I wasnt sure I was really being seen for more than my blonde hair and red lips. When I spoke or offered a suggestion, I was ignored. Over time, I felt hostility directed at me late-night emails criticized my ways. Why cant you do things like so-and-so? So-and-so was the one who came before. I couldnt compare. I didnt want to.Once, after a difference of opinion, things escalated verbally. Doors slammed and voices raised. The words Everything you do is useless came at me with anger. How do you want me to communicate with you? Smoke signals? You dont listen I volleyed back, keeping my tears in check until later when the words hit me even harder. It was clear I wasnt valued.I tried to get out, but my options were limited. I wasnt sure I cou ld make it on my own and there werent many other offers out there. I needed the financial stability, but even that became tenuous when I was told I couldnt have as much anymore. Being stuck in a situation for so long where I wasnt respected, I was starting to feel useless.I knew the end must be near and wondered if Id be cast aside for someone younger. Perhaps a flirtier girl who had not yet learned to stand her ground one with a pretty smile and lower expectations, too shy to nag? Now that I was 40, would anyone want me? I admit, I put on my best dress and looked outside for validation - and found interest wasnt there. I was old school. Old.Intersection of Notorious Employer, Downfall of an Industry and Middle AgeFinally, one day, I was dismissed. Set free with an alimony of sorts to get me by for a bit.Having braced for this, I was actually relieved now I could spread my formerly bound wings with a safety net until I could figure things out with a clear head. I laughed at the ne ws, slightly giddy while I quickly packed.I had taken the advice my mother gave me so long ago, yet ended up in the exact spot she warned me about. But instead of a strict husband, I was dependent on a bad job.I started in the publishing industry young and ambitious and created a career I loved and where I had gained respect. That is until I reached the intersection of Notorious Employer, Downfall of an Industry and Middle Age. At first, I experienced little annoyances I could tolerate, like inefficient systems or co-workers not trusting my expertise. But as time wore on, bad management, frequent and draining late nights and a feeling of being on the hamster wheel, exhaustingly going nowhere fast wore on my patience. Ive never seen people work so hard for mediocrity, said an ever-changing array of disgruntled staff as they passed through the revolving door of employment. I wasnt happy, but I stayed because I needed the money.And then that stability was shaken. Like a controlling hus band reducing his wifes allowance, my salary was cut significantly, and not long after another large project was thrown upon me. After the initial shock and some budget tightening, I tasted a tiny bit of freedom. Whereas before I was hesitant to entertain the same job with a different brand of craziness for significantly less money, now it was all the same.I turned 40 while working there, a milestone that didnt really phase me in my personal life, as I still felt and looked the same. There was no magic middle age fairy dropping crows feet, spare tires and a get off my lawn attitude at midnight on the Lordy, Lordy birthday. But at work, I started to feel like a dinosaur. Getting a new job used to be the solution and an easy one at that, but with the shift in the industry, salaries were decreasing while workloads were increasing. Even my reduced salary wasnt helping, as eventually there were fewer jobs in print while online seemed to look for excuses not to hire folks from old media. I was a short-armed T-Rex and all the opportunities were on the unreachable top shelf. Ohh, this is what my mother warned me about. After being in demand for most of my career, I now felt like the middle age woman who was losing her looks.Sweet freedomWhen I was finally laid off, I was platzset free. The stress, responsibility, and exhaustion was no longer my problem Id have time to recover with a little financial help from severance to keep me on my feet. I felt like that moment The Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy wakes up in Technicolor Oz, leaving black and white Kansas far behind. Until, of course, the reality of unemployment and the challenges facing my industry set in. But still, the weight of being mistreated was off my shoulders.The thought did cross my mind that if I had been married, I might have had some financial stability to walk out of the job on my own terms but that scenario negates all my solo happiness and accomplishments. Plus, just because youre a damsel in distress, doesnt mean youre guaranteed your knight in shining armor. And there are those who would argue I could have walked out at any time but as the product of a blue-collar upbringing with no trust fund safety net that was not an option. You simply dont leave an income, for no income - its irresponsible. But I have no regrets on the personal choices Ive made and I frankly have no regrets on the professional ones either. What can you do when things get tough beside have integrity and hope and figure out a way to work hard without beating your head against a wall? Because of my experiences Ive gained so much knowledge Ive been called the wise woman on the mountain in my new position - a job thats the good guy, where Im appreciated, valued and make a difference. And like most jerky exes, I hear mines still struggling, which feels pretty good.Tara Cox has appeared inThe NY Post,Newsday,MensJournal.comamong other places. She is the author ofAirstreamThe Silver RV,a bookNew Yorkmagazines Appr oval Matrix dubbed Highbrow/Brilliant.